6.17 /// Bachelor Bathroom Oddities

*This Episode was recorded on 29th March- apologies it was late! Full explanation is in Episode 18!*

I’m sat on a cruise ship, in a cabin setup so scrappy it involves a Pringles can, and I’m telling the truth about the weird things I proudly owned when I lived alone. Not “tasteful quirky”. Proper bachelor-home oddities, mostly in the bathroom for reasons I still can’t explain. 

We get into the greatest hits: a barbed wire toilet seat, an RGB toilet bowl night light for late-night trips, and a talking toilet roll holder that plays whatever phrase you record. Funny for guests, terrifying when you forget it’s there and grab loo roll at 2am. I also revisit the darker humour side of novelty home decor, like a knife block that looks like a little figure being stabbed, plus other bits designed to get a laugh and spark a “why do you own this?” conversation. 

The more interesting thread is what all these gimmicky gadgets say about personal space. I’m big on function, so I rant a bit about products that choose the joke over good design, and why some novelty accessories never earn their place. I talk openly about the shift from living alone to sharing a home with my wife Sarah, where you learn what to keep, what to stash away, and what you’ve simply out grown. 

If you’ve ever bought something ridiculous for your flat, your house, or your bathroom, then prepare to feel seen. Subscribe, share the episode with a mate who’d laugh, leave a review, and tell me the strangest thing you owned when nobody could stop you.

Transcript

Hello And Cruise Cabin Setup

Stephen 0:03

Hello, welcome to Infinite Prattle. Bit of a different episode this week. Uh no intro music. I was gonna try and sing along and record something, but I thought I'd be silly. Um I don't know why I didn't do it to be fair. Uh maybe I have, I don't know, maybe I have, maybe after recording this I thought, nah, let's do it anyway. Only you know. Well, I do post-recording. Anyway, welcome to Infinite Prattle. Uh you may realise there's a different setting today, um, as well as the slightly different format, and that's because I'm recording this while on a cruise. So this is my cabin, and the hat of the day is a PO Britannion, because I am in fact, if I turn my Pringle can stand, I guess that's what I'm using, um there's the balcony of the cruise ship room. So um I'm using a Pringle can by the way, because my gimbal doesn't like the ship. Um so if I put it in follow mode, it rocks, and weirdly the Pringle box is is more stable. Who knew? Plus, my phone needs to charge because I did a bit of a walking round ship vlog today, which will be out at some point, um, about the cruise, about my experience. So But today's not about that. Today's not about the cruise. It's not about my holiday, it's about other things. So today's episode is about um me living as a bachelor, and I've I've touched on this before, I don't know why I'm pointing at you with a pen. Uh, for anyone that's watching this, this will be delayed uh on YouTube, because I don't know whether I'll be able to upload it today. So it might not be delayed. So I'm talking in riddles. So I apologise. So you may be able to watch this today when it goes out. Uh or the day that goes out. I'm saying today, because I was recording on the day normally. Um Yeah, so today's about uh being a bachelor and having things in your house that um potentially your partner wouldn't, and in my case a female partner. Um so when I I lived alone for 12 years, so I bought my first house at the age of 21, very lucky. Um there's another point to that story, but um I'm gonna do not gonna touch on it today. Er, cost of living crisis and all that sort of stuff. Anyway, I am a child, um man child, and there's things that I used to have in my room that you in in my house and in my bathroom that I probably wouldn't put out today um due to my now maturity, and some stuff that I wouldn't put out just because either I wouldn't want Sarah to endure it, or she just wouldn't like me to have it out. Now she's very good at not vetoing things to be honest. Um she understands that you know we're both individuals and I let her do what she wants and she lets me do what I want. I think it's more uh me doing what I want, to be honest. Um Yeah, I've got some examples of things that I had in my previous house that I either wouldn't want now or but thought was cool at the time. Maybe wasn't, maybe people came around my house and thought you're a dickad. Which is quite a possibility. Um but one of the things I had was um a barbed wire toilet seat. So my toilet my toilet seat broke as they do sometimes, you know, they're not the best, they don't last forever, they're plastic, plastic hinges, etc. And I was looking for a new one and I don't know where I even found it. I don't I don't know where I found it at all, to be honest. It was just online somewhere and it was a it was a like a transparent acrylic uh resin kind of um toilet seat, but it had barbed wire molded into it, and I just thought that's pretty freaking cool. Um So I bought it. And it went pretty well with my um toilet seat light. Um so I had a I had a I had a toilet bowl light, should I say. So it basically when you lifted the toilet lid, it lit up to light the toilet for you, because I hate putting the light on at night. I hate putting the light, it wakes me up, so I used to stagger to the toilet in the dark, and basically it sensed when you came into the room, basically, and it hung over the seat like a one of the toilet bowl fresheners that you get in the UK. I'm guessing you get them other other places in the world because toilets look the same. So the hooks on the outside, and on the outside there was an IR sensor, and on the inside there was basically an LED light. So as you walked into the bathroom, it sensed you and the light came on and lit the toilet up, and you could light it up in like RGB colours, different you could select which colour. I think it was like red, green, blue, white, and a couple of other colours, I think, like a mixture. Um or you could have it cycle through colours. Um probably not very hygienic, I had to get out and clean it, it was minging. Um but it was pretty cool. So when you walked into the room it used to come on, and then that's that capped with the with the clear acrylic toilet toilet lid. Um I just thought I was the fucking bee's knees, if I'm honest with you, I thought I was ace. Um and I loved it. And the thing is, when you when you like something, I don't even care. Like everyone wants everyone to like the stuff you like. I don't care if you don't like the stuff I like. Um to my house, damn it, and I will have what I want. And I think that's the joy of when you get your own place. Uh it's that freedom to say, you know, you're breaking away from your parents' rules, your guardian's rules, or whoever you used to live with as a kid, and you're saying, This is my space now, and this is how I'm gonna decorate it, these are the gadgets I want, and this is how I'll live. If I want to have my meals at 2am in the morning, I will. Um So yeah, a lot of these weird live in the bathroom. I don't know why. I don't know why I had an obsession with putting weird shit in my bathroom, but most of it's in the bathroom. Um I think all of the stuff I'm gonna talk about today is in the bathroom, apart from one, which I'll mention now before I forget. So I used to have a knife block and it was l i I had a few things of these around my house actually, so but they weren't the knife block was like a separate brand, but I had um a a knife block and it basically was it was a big moulded kind of stick man, I suppose. And it looked like he was being stabbed with all the knives, basically, and I thought it was eight, it was so unusual. The knives were actually pretty good, um and I think it looked a bit like a modern piece of art, to be honest. I thought it looked quite artistic. Uh it was one of the first things that v that was vetoed when we moved out. But um I sold it to a colleague, so bonus. And the other things were kind along the same ilk were like these there was a range of them for different things, and basically they were these people, moulded plastic people, but they were they'd all been murdered in a certain way, and the certain way they'd been murdered was their function. So there was a bath pull light, so in the UK, I'm guessing again in other places in the world, we have some lights that are on pulls, mainly in bathrooms in the UK because of like electricity laws and stuff like that, like uh wiring laws. So I had one in my bathroom, and basically it was a guy being hung, and the string was the thing that was hanging him. Pretty morbid really, but dark humour and all that. And then I had one that was a a spoon rest and it looked like he'd melted. Erm, obviously hot spoons. And I had another one, what was the other one? I think it was a cup holder, actually, like a placemat, and I think he looked like he'd been squashed, like where you'd put the yeah, that's what it was. He was he it was arms and legs at the top and the bottom, and his whole middle had been splatted outwards, whereas the spoon rest, like part of his body just melted to one side. And I loved them, they were great, quirky little things. Again, something that Sarah probably wouldn't want in the house. We don't have a bull cord light anyway now. But um something I think a woman wouldn't particularly be into. Um I don't think I would now actually. Maybe maybe the drinks holder like it looks like you've supplied someone with your drink, but yeah. Um I think I've moved past them for sure. Would I have an acrylic toilet seat again? No, because it it showed too much away. Uh although it did encourage me to keep my toilet clean. It really did because there was no hiding from it. You couldn't even close the lid and hide hide stuff, so er I would have the light though. I definitely would have the light because I still hate putting the light on at night. So yeah, so barbed my toilet seat, night light for the toilet, and weird effigies of dead people or murders happening. Very bizarre. Um I had something in the bath. So when I used to have baths, I had something in the bath that I used to play with. Steady on. And that was a basketball set. I had this little set of basketballs, I think it was three balls and like a little net that was like suction cupped. So I used to suction cup that to my tiles, and while I was in the bath, like to shoot some people. I actually got pretty good at it, and I think that's probably why I'm I'm pretty good at throwing stuff into the bin at work. Um And that's all I can say about that. Just like a novelty toy for the bath. I think my mum bought it me to be honest. And yeah, just good fun, isn't it? Just good fun. You know, gotta keep yourself occupied in the bath. So I always laugh at me, because one of her earliest memories of when we started like going out or and chatting and stuff was me telling her that I used to sometimes come in from work and I'd get in the bath and watch something on my iPad and eat eat uh um chicken dippers, uh copious amounts of chicken chicken dippers. It used to make her laugh. Now chicken dippers are like chicken nuggets, if you don't know what a chicken dipper is. Um and or or I'd I'd be having me having me chicken dippers playing basketball. Um and she just remembers me saying that and I think she thought it was a bit weird that a man used to like baths and sit and eat and drink and watch films or play basketball in the bath. Perfectly normal to me. Um yeah, I I I love that. Would that be something I I think that was something I would have, but I wouldn't have it on display all the time. Because I used to have that just out, so when people used to come around they'd be like, You've got basketball in your bathroom, and I'm like But you get out I know it's my house. Um so yeah, I think I would probably have that game in my bath again, but I wouldn't be allowed it on display, so I'd have to keep one away. So for that reason, I'm out and I wouldn't have it, because when I've got stuff I like it to stay in place so I don't forget about it. And storage stuff's a bitch, isn't it? Let's first let's face it. Um another thing toilet related, weirdly, is a talking toilet roll holder that I used to have. Um now it didn't just say preloaded stuff, you actually had to record a sound. So how it worked was instead of your normal toilet roll holder, you would use this one instead, and then it'd go into your toilet roll um wall mounted holder, and basically, um very bizarrely, you could record a phrase. So when someone pulled the toilet roll, it would then just play the phrase that you recorded. Unfortunately you can only play you can only record one phrase at a time and have that play back, which was a little bit annoying, I think. It would have been nice if the there was like maybe three or four you could have recorded and it just looped them in random. But unfortunately not. Um so I think one of the ones I recorded, which always made me laugh, was uh was was it was something like me going, Oh you smelly bastard. Give it give it a spray or something like that. Um because that's generally if you're using the toilet roll, you've had a number two. Unless you're a lady, unless you're a man sometimes. Um So the joke was you've done a smelly one. Spray some spray. Uh and then another one I had was uh I think it was like if you're using me if you're pissed on the seat, so you're taking toilet roll because you're pissed on the seat and that was for the men. They're all for the men really. Uh ladies are ladies, they don't they don't make a mess. Uh men are animals in general, so yes. But that that amused me in the f it was like one of the things the first time someone came around and used it, it was h hilarious. It was always funny the first time someone discovered it. Uh but then me living there full time, um it did grow old reasonably quickly. Um and also it used to scare me sometimes because I'd f when I first put it out, I'd forget it that it was there. And sometimes in the middle of the night, I I'd just sometimes take a piece of twilight roll to blow my nose in the night, especially in the summer because I get hay fever, and I'd pull it out, and it was quite loud, it'd go, Oh, give it a spray, you dirty bastard! And I'd absolutely crap myself, and sometimes I think I'd just turn it off because we had to take it out the tube and stuff to turn it off. It was a pain, a funny pain, and it was reasonably cheap. I think most of these things on this list weren't very I think the barbed wire toilet suit was probably the most expensive at about£35-40, which was quite expensive for a toilet seat uh back in the day. Uh back in the day. Oh, excuse me. I've been up very early today, so you'll have to apologize. I'm on holiday and I set my alarm for like half five 'cause I meant because I'm an absolute jackass. Erm. Yeah, and I think the basketball thing was a few quid. My mum bought me that, and you can get them for about in the time at the time you get them for like five pounds, less than a tenner at least. And the um all the little I think well I think the most expensive thing was probably actually the the knife holder. That was about£60, I think,£66, maybe£69. Um the toilet holder was a few quid. Um I think that was from Firefox a place called Firefox. Maybe that's where the toilet suit was from as well. I probably ordered them at the same time. Um I've just remembered something else that I had as well. Also toilet related, which is so bizarre. Well come back to that one. Um but it's probably one that got the most laughs uh and had less the least impact on annoying you, I suppose. Um so the next one I had was a boobed-shaped So it was basically a set of breasts, but they were obviously plastic uh moulded ones, but they were hollow, and what happened was you unscrewed the back of them and you could put like shampoo or hair gel, uh hair gel, like shower gel or conditioner. So mine always had uh one was shower gel, one was like I had shortish hair at the time, so uh you can wash your hair with hair gel technically. So mine always had like shower gel and a shampoo, left for shower gel, right for shampoo, and then later on when I grew my hair, it became left for shampoo, right for conditioner. But basically what you had to do was um it didn't dispen dispense out of the nipples, so don't worry. There was a little nozzle underneath, so you squeezed the boob and held your hand underneath and it dispensed uh said um liquids. And um it was hilarious to me. Um more so because it used to annoy my mum uh especially when she came because she was like, why have them boobs still up? It's you need to grow up and I won't, no. Why would you want to grow up? It's it's boring. Um I definitely wouldn't have them in my in my house currently. Same with the toilet roll holder, just because they're annoying. And it's gimmicky, and to be fair, they didn't work very well. Half the time, um you'd waste so much liquid because you needed to squeeze them that tight when when it was getting a little bit empty, there wasn't enough air in them to squeeze all the liquid out, so you end up having to keep topping it up, and there was always like they were probably always like a third full by the end, and you could never get that last third out. So when you actually wanted to change whatever you were storing them, you literally had to wash the whole thing out and yeah, and they'd get clogged and stuff like that. So no no no no. Funny, especially as a 21-year-old. I think it was one of the first things I bought for my house when I saw them. Um What can I say? Boob shaped shampoo dispenser. Um would not get that back. On both counts, me and her. And then the last one I'm gonna talk about is again to do with the toilet. I was obsessed with the accessories in my toilet, apparently. Uh with gimmicky shine. Um and this was a like a toilet mat. So in the UK we have these mats that go around the toilet. I don't know why they're not very hygienic, but it's a thing, and you seem to just do it. We don't have one in our house, which is actually a good thing. Um, so that's a straight way that this wouldn't be transferred across. Uh, maybe if I had my own man cave with its own toilet, maybe. Um but then I'd probably have all these back because it would be my space. Um but I had a I had a toilet mat, and basically it had a mirror attached to it, like sewn onto it, and underneath it said well hung. So I think the idea of it was that while you go in the toilet, it was basically saying you you know it was you could look at your undercarriage and think you were well hung. Uh the mirror, I think the mirror is slightly magn magnified as well, which is an extra joke. But yeah, it was um it was black with what with yellow writing, and uh I had that for years, and it always got a laugh from people, men and women. Um I think it probably posed like most things on the list, probably posed more questions than uh people what it answers for, really. It's it's just uh I think the question was on a lot of these, they were like, haha, that's amusing. Why? Um I say why not? Why not like spice up your life with some gimmickry stuff? Um I like gimmicks, but I don't like things that are not functional. So all these things had a function to them. So I don't like wastage in the world. Um So I I tend not to to buy things that don't have function or don't have longevity, and each of these things did. Unfortunately, there's some of them weren't made as well as they could do because they they kind of leaned into the fun thing more than the actual use of the product. So what's the words I'm looking for there? So they basically focus on the gimmick tree, gimmick tree, gimmick tree, gimmick the gimmick nature of the of the item rather than functionality. Um which is a shame because some of them actually worked really well. I mean I mean the boob thing, like I would have probably still been using them a lot longer if they had have actually functioned correctly. Maybe maybe I would have had them in my house, you never know. Um I don't know what cup size it were, maybe a C. Um that doesn't really matter, does it? I don't know, don't know why I said that. So yeah, so it's weird that all them things are in my ki in my bathroom, to be fair. I don't know why I felt the need to jazz up all my bathroom things. Very bizarre, very bizarre. Um what gimmicky things have you had in your time? And was it like when you were single or living alone? Um I suppose that's the time to do it because you don't have to think about anyone else. So that's that's the thing when I was living alone, it was for me, for my pleasure, for my comedy er my comedy? For my comedy, oh my god, my brain. It was for my own amusement, let's face it. Um I wanted to give someone else a smile. Most most of them things did. Um a lot of my a lot of my my friends uh didn't care about it. Uh one of my friends was like, Steve, you need to grow up and take these things out of your bathroom. And I was like, no. And they were literally like, no woman's gonna want to be with you if they see these things if you bring them home. And I was like, Well, they're not the sort of person I want to be with then. So uh, you know. That's that list done. And um that's that podcast done. Um so thank you for joining me today. Uh please like, share, subscribe. I know it's been a little bit of a different format today because I just had I don't have the editing things with me, I didn't want to bring all my stuff with me, so I've had to record this and edit it the best I can on my iPad. Um and very lacking internet where I am, so I hope it even uploads. Um plan to get this out on time, but they may follow this recording with a social media post saying I can't do it. Uh and I don't know that because I'm here in this time, you know, and you're you're in your time, and you know better than I because uh you're there. I'm gonna shut up now and I'm gonna go. But thank you for listening. Um this has been Infinite Prattle. I've been Steven. Uh take care of yourselves, look after each other, and remember to keep on prattling.